A brief introduction to nonviolent communication 

"Words are windows, or they`re walls,

They sentence us, or set us free.

When I speak and when I hear,

Let the love light shine through me."    –Ruth Bebermeyer

What is nonviolent communication? Let us begin by examining its polar opposite: the communication we use every day. At first, it might not seem particularly violent, but upon closer investigation, it becomes evident that our language is rife with moralistic judgements and stereotyped thinking. The way we communicate inhibits the existence of an empathetic connection.

How is nonviolent communication any different from our common static language?  Nonviolent communication enables us to fully and honestly express our needs, providing the foundation of an empathetic connection. Marshall B. Rosenberg defines nonviolent communication as a "quality of connection that will get everybody`s needs met, through natural giving".

Nonviolent communication is divided into two components: self-expression and attentive listening.

Self-expression

1. Observation

"The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence."   –Jiddu Krishnamurti

The first step of expressing yourself in a nonviolent manner is phrasing an observation. Observations are objective statements; they are not valuations, interpretations or thoughts. Speak about the present moment.

2. Feelings

It might seem counterproductive to express your feelings in a situation of conflict. But by rendering yourself vulnerable, the other person is more likely to react in an empathetic manner. It is important to remember that our feelings are different from our thoughts. Our thoughts focus on what we think about what we are, while our feelings reflect what is alive in us. In nonviolent communication, we assume full responsibility for our emotions. Other people might be triggering our feelings, but they are never the real cause. The roots of feelings are needs.

3. Needs

Every human being has the same universal needs, but different strategies to fulfil them. At any given moment we are doing the best we can to satisfy our needs. But remember, needs are not preferences. Just ask yourself, what would enrich my life at this moment? Don`t expect the other person to read your mind and fulfil your every wish before you even know what you want. Expressing our needs makes it more likely that they will be met.

4. Request

The last step of expressing yourself is the request. Phrase your request encouragingly, and talk about a clear, concrete thing that the other person can do for you. Vague requests can seem like critique or demands. Rather than speaking about what you do not want, talk about what you want.

 Attentive listening

The central aspect of careful listening is empathy. When listening to another person, incorporate elements of nonviolent communication. What do they observe, feel, need and request? It might not always be evident, but remember: everything we say at any given moment is an expression of our fulfilled or unfulfilled needs. What is the other person telling you? What do they want?

The aim of nonviolent communication is the creation of a connection that will enrich every participant`s life and get their needs met. Why don`t you start making your world a better place today?

Elena Diehl